Isabella Marie Swan (bellaswan) wrote in lion_lamb,
Isabella Marie Swan

the film is a saddening bore for she's lived it ten times or more

Title: The film is a saddening bore
Author: agnelle/bellaswan
Characters/Pairing: Bella
Rating: PG
Category: Diary
Spoilers: None, Pre-Twilight.
Summary: Bella Swan is moving away -- A Pre-Twilight ramble about life and the future.
Comments: This is basically a character study in some form or another written for the Twilight RP, de_lune. I'm trying to give Bella more emotion, to humanize her and expand on her backstory. David Bowie's "Life On Mars?" was on my playlist a lot during the writing of this.

I find myself thinking a lot in the last few days…

I’m caught up in these thoughts before bed each night, or while I pack… I think about life and the way my life is about to change in what may be the biggest possible way it will ever change. Some people would be thrilled in my situation, but I guess it’s fair to say that while my life is changing, I’m not thrilled about it. To be honest, I’m the exact opposite of “thrilled” – I’m disappointed.

God, if my mother heard me now, she’d— well, that’s beyond the point. The point is that I’m trying so hard just to stay positive and to pretend that I am somewhat happy about my decision. In front of mom, I smile politely and bite my tongue… but occasionally I look over and catch a glimpse of her and she looks as if she’s about to cry and it just kills me. After all, how do you tell your best friend you’re leaving for their own good when good in their eyes is a completely different story? Because to my mother, good is staying as close to her as possible. My future was planned out for me from the very start -- finish up high school here in Phoenix, go to college in Arizona.

But to be honest… I’ve never put that much thought into my life. Sure, I’d finish high school and go the college but I didn’t have the slightest idea what I wanted to major in, where I wanted to go, or even what I really wanted to do with my life. I’ve always felt like I had no real purpose; I exist merely to exist, I was a drifter in the world. A boring existence and maybe that sounds a bit depressing, but I’m not depressed – I’m just not happy

God, why am I even thinking about any of this at all?

I guess the thought of moving has put me in some mood that I can’t seem to get out of. Everything I know is in Phoenix and yet I’m giving it all up – and for what, to move to Forks? Forks, the place I’d have nightmares of as a kid and staunchly demanded that I never return to the summer I turned fourteen. Forks, the place my mother ran from as fast as she could with me on her hip…

I don’t remember the move from Washington to California, but I do, to some extent remember my move from California to Arizona. I remember our apartment in California – a studio in a bad part of town, overlooking a pathetic excuse for a park. It was an old, converted house with no actual privacy… But it was close to school and we stuck together. Even before I knew how to say the alphabet I could successfully heat up a bowl of Alphabet Soup in the microwave while mom wracked her brain for a way out of the terrible mess she insisted we were in. The solution was Phoenix.

Once mom had secured a stable job with the school district, we were able to get our lives. We didn’t have much, but we got the bills paid and mom always said that was the greatest accomplishment. I’d watch the world around me, I’d clean house and cook dinner and for the most part, I was content. While most kids my age went out, I read Emily Brontë and watched my mother go out on dates. We’d always been reversed; maybe that’s why mom always calls me the “middle-aged child”.

But it was when mom met Phil that I knew things would be different. Phil was charming, rough edges but nice enough. The major difference about Phil and all of mom’s other boyfriends? Phil was nothing like my dad Charlie, Phil was probably the exact opposite and I guess it was what mom needed. Phil took care of mom, he put up with all of the things that other men wouldn’t, and he put up with me. How many men in their late twenties are willing to put up with a teenage girl in the middle of the newlywed bliss?

These were reasons why I made the decision to move to Forks; because with me around, mom wasn’t able to enjoy being married. Phil’s a minor league baseball player and he’s on the road constantly. It cuts into all of their alone time and when Phil leaves, my mother feels this subconscious need to stay near me… not because I need mom, but because she thinks I need her and I can see the sacrifice she’s making just to stay by my side. My mother is the one person in all of this I’ll miss more than anyone. Not friends, teachers, no one can compare to my mom because she’s always been my best friend.

So, am I doing the right thing? Will I regret my decision? I’ve thought about this for the last two months, and I think I’ve convinced myself of enough reasons to leave Phoenix behind. It would make mom happy and I’d get to know Charlie better. I never really had any friends in Phoenix, so I wouldn’t be losing anyone… No boyfriend, no best friends, just these people who smile politely and act like we’re friends at school. People who otherwise mean little to me…

Forks can be miserable, unbearable and I’ll miss Phoenix; I’ll miss the sunshine and the heat, I’ll miss my room and my life here… as pitiful as it is. I’ll miss my mother and even Phil… But I can’t let myself regret this. I just need a reason to find happiness in my new life in Forks – a friend, anything. Hell, maybe Charlie will let me get a dog, or something…

Okay, no more ranting tonight; I should wrap this up… I think I hear mom’s car and to be honest, I want to enjoy my last night in Phoenix.
Tags: fanfiction
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