alannalynn (alannalynn) wrote in lion_lamb,

Title: This Is It, Prologue
Author: alannalynn
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: New Moon, some events from Eclipse.
Genre: AU to end of NM, and Eclipse/BD.
Pairing: Normal pairings. E/B, eventually.
Summary: Did I commit some unspeakable sin when I entered his world? Some sin that you can’t back out of, that you can’t remove? I belong nowhere. Not in his world, and not with humans, either. My fault. Mea culpa. This is what it comes to. This is it.
Disclaimer: I am not SM. I only wish. She owns all characters. ;)

I lay in my bed, crying. The hole ripping me apart inside. My sun is gone. The sun who held me together, who filled the hole for a short time… gone. Why did Sam have to take Jacob away, too? Who was Sam to control Jake that way? We couldn’t even be friends… How did it ever come to this? Why must I always be the recipient of these happenings? I must have done something wrong, to deserve this. Did I commit some unspeakable sin when I entered his world? Some sin that you can’t back out of, that you can’t remove? I belong nowhere. Not in his world, and not with humans, either. My fault. Mea culpa. This is what it comes to. This is it.


I remembered falling asleep eventually last night, when the tears were all dried out, clutching at my stomach tightly. The dream had come back; the one in the forest, wandering, never finding what I was after. I saw Jake in my dreams; not my Jake, but Sam’s Jake. The one who pushed me away, who sent me away from him. This new Jacob, the one who believes in those legends that were all so fake only a short time ago. I pushed the ‘why’ away for a later time.

I knew I had slept lightly last night, because Charlie’s waking in the next room woke me up. I could hear him downstairs now, getting ready for work. He didn’t want to disturb me, especially with ‘this’ happening again. 

‘This’ being losing the only thing that was keeping me sane, and my slump into nonexistence again. Well, that’s what he thinks. But, for him, I’ll stay normal. For Charlie, I’ll do my best to not come to that again. I know how much it hurt him to see me that way. I must stay normal. For Charlie. For Renee. For him. I hugged my stomach tighter.

But it’s so hard! How easy it would be so slip back into numbness. How easy it would be to become a zombie again! But I can’t, for them.

I didn’t lose my life this time, my reason for existence; only my sun. The tears began to fall again. My sun. Jacob. I will move on. Life will move on. It must; it has to. Release will come some day, eventually. Relief.


I heard Charlie leave in his cruiser, and slowly got myself up. Shower, clothes, breakfast. What should I do now? I know I don’t have work until later today, and then school isn’t until tomorrow. Perfect distractions. Distractions… They should help. They will help. I decided to go for a walk.

I walked out the front door, locking it, and headed toward the forest. Thinking doesn’t seem to help, but I need to do it eventually. That’s the only way to come to terms with all of this, and not be a zombie. Zombies… I remember the last night Jacob and I spent together, with Mike Newton. That was when he stopped talking to me…

The hole started to throb again. I sat in the grass, to better hold myself together.

I pulled out a thought from earlier. Why did Jacob suddenly believe in the legends? How did Sam play a part in all of this? He knew about them, the Cullens. It hurt to think that name, but I had to get it out. I had to look at it from all angles. Why did he believe now?  That night on the beach, he laughed the legends off, like they were crazy superstitions. What has changed? What changed since that night at the movies?


The day went by in a blur. I finished my walk, and came home for lunch, homework, and then headed off to work at the Newtons’ store . I kept my spirit up as best I could, and tried to keep my mind from drifting. I don’t think I fooled them. I am the worst liar on the planet. When my shift was over, I hung up my apron, and got in my old truck. Once again, I tried my best to concentrate on the road, on driving, as I headed down the main street in Forks, back to my home.

Home. Charlie would be waiting for me. Charlie. He knows what happened. He called Billy last night and they fought. I hope he doesn’t have a talk with me about ‘giving Jacob the wrong idea’. I don’t think I could sit through that. He probably knows I can’t, either.

As I pulled up at my house, I noticed the door was opened. That’s not right. Why? Charlie never keeps the front door open. He’s the police chief, for Pete’s sake!

I parked my truck, and got out, only to hear a scream of terror from inside.


A/N: Comments/Suggestions would be excellent! This is my first ff. Let me know if you would like me to continue. Thanks!
Tags: fanfiction

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